I laid in bed last night listening to the rhythm of his
breathing: in – pause – out, in – pause – out.
With each breath drawn in and released, my heart swelled with
overflowing love, awe, and contentment for this man, for the life we have
together, and for our sweet, sweet marriage.
Why would we want to mess with
the good thing we have going?
It amazes me how entirely dichotomous my posture is towards expanding our family. In one breath, I am bursting at the seams, ready to swaddle our precious progeny, physically feeling the ache of empty arms – pause – out the next, I’m selfishly longing to prolong this season of our lives and hold close our way of living, our way of relating, our late nights and long mornings. I know, deep down, we want children – oh, how badly we want children. And yet, in those all-too-common moments at night, or over breakfast, or during a lingering glass of wine after dinner – I want to bottle ‘us’ up for fear of losing our ‘us’-ness in the next stage of life.
I treasure my title, wife. I love being his. And, Lord willing, I will treasure ‘mom’; and I will love being theirs. But, I never want to lose what we have. I’m not so Pollyanna to assume that nothing will change and we’ll have our time and our lifestyle and our ‘us’-ness forever and ever and ever. I know things will change and I know we will change and I know we will have to extend more grace to one another than ever before. And, as much as part of me is aching to hold that baby, another part of me is equally aching to think of losing what we have now.
I have no bow with which to wrap this up. I just pray that when the time comes – Lord willing – we will joyfully embrace our new titles and roles while striving to hold sacred the beautiful, mysterious marriage with which we have been entrusted. Oh how I love you, Cole Vernon!
It amazes me how entirely dichotomous my posture is towards expanding our family. In one breath, I am bursting at the seams, ready to swaddle our precious progeny, physically feeling the ache of empty arms – pause – out the next, I’m selfishly longing to prolong this season of our lives and hold close our way of living, our way of relating, our late nights and long mornings. I know, deep down, we want children – oh, how badly we want children. And yet, in those all-too-common moments at night, or over breakfast, or during a lingering glass of wine after dinner – I want to bottle ‘us’ up for fear of losing our ‘us’-ness in the next stage of life.
I treasure my title, wife. I love being his. And, Lord willing, I will treasure ‘mom’; and I will love being theirs. But, I never want to lose what we have. I’m not so Pollyanna to assume that nothing will change and we’ll have our time and our lifestyle and our ‘us’-ness forever and ever and ever. I know things will change and I know we will change and I know we will have to extend more grace to one another than ever before. And, as much as part of me is aching to hold that baby, another part of me is equally aching to think of losing what we have now.
I have no bow with which to wrap this up. I just pray that when the time comes – Lord willing – we will joyfully embrace our new titles and roles while striving to hold sacred the beautiful, mysterious marriage with which we have been entrusted. Oh how I love you, Cole Vernon!
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