Three Days Ago

Three days ago, the bleeding started. Three days ago, the tears flowed. And three friends in as many days have posted adorable, well-executed announcements. Turns out, this is lonelier than I expected.

This was the month. You know how they say it’ll happen when you stop trying?  Well, this was the month I ignored. This was the month I vowed to stop obsessing. This was the month I tried not to care in an effort to protect my heart. But this was the month that he cared.  This was the month his hopes were highest. And, perhaps the only thing worse that being disappointed, yet again, is seeing his disappointment, his father-hopes dashed.

I never anticipated the ache. I never anticipated the feelings of utter defeat. I really never anticipated how it would rend my heart to see that look on his face. He holds my heart so carefully, he protects me so gently, and he loves me so very, very selflessly. But his heart is broken.

Every Wednesday we babysit my niece and nephews. Every Wednesday is paradoxically healing and heartache. It deeply heals that part in us that longs for the chaos, that longs for the sticky handprints on my pant leg, that longs for the sleepy head rested on the weary shoulder. And I hear the way he talks with them, plays with them, and I can’t help but to fall in love all over again with this man and I can’t help but cry for the children I haven’t given him. This man was created to be a father. His children will be so incredibly fortunate, blessed by his leadership, patience, and love – oh the love.

This month wasn’t supposed to be this hard. I tried desperately for the last 29 days to be indifferent, oblivious to timing, trying to keep my hopes in check. This was the month he had finally let his hopes soar. And this was the month that broke my heart.

October 2014