And If Not

It was a familiar feeling. That pit in your stomach, that light-headed spinning, the racing heart. As it turns out, anticipating test results sends me into a near panic attack.

In April 2014, I remember being unable to sleep. My heart would race out of control and the room often felt like it was spinning. It seemed that all of our future hinged on those test results. I refreshed the website, anxious to see if they'd been posted. As I watched the browser buffer, my heart felt like it was going to burst out of my chest - building, building, buffering.... nothing. The scores weren't posted yet. So I would go on about my day and unsuccessfully try to think about anything else, only to return to refresh the page again in five minutes.

I remember thinking, "All of our future depends on these test results." And, "If the results are good, I'll soon forget all this fruitless, dramatic anxiety."

He passed. Our future plans remained intact. And we rolled our eyes at our unfounded anxiety.

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It has been almost a year and half since those results. And today found me struck with that familiar light-headed anxiety and a pit that was eating its way through my midsection. I stared at the phone, willing it to ring, head spinning. One way or another I just had to know.  I knew the results were in, but I couldn't be the one to hear them first. They had to call him. And all I could do was wait.

I tried to go on about my day and think about anything else, but I could not. All I could do was stare out the office window.  I sat and I stared and I prayed. I couldn't think clearly enough to assemble a cogent prayer, so all it sounded like was this:

"And if not, He is still good."

Over and over and over again, willing my heart to believe it.

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That is what this journey has been like. Willing my heart to believe truths that I know I believe; but I tend to have a hard time fusing the theoretical and the practical. What if His good is a "no"? What if our idea of good does not align with His idea of good for us? What if we never have children?

We still don't have the results back yet. We're still waiting, watching phones that haven't rung. We're still clinging to that which we know to be true, and we're still praying that He gives us a baby.

And we're learning to pray, "And if not, God, you are still good."