Unfinished Business

I thought we were pregnant this month. I really did.  I know, I know... I say that every month; but this month had all the signs, all the symptoms, everything was adding up. It all made sense. That is, until the cramps started and we were sent spiraling back to square one.

Three or four nights ago, I asked Cole if he thought we had grown at all over the course of the last two years in regards to our infertility. As sure as I was that we were pregnant, I had this moment of panic: What if we finally got that which we had been praying for, hoping for, working towards for the last two years and we were no different than when we started? What if our "situation" gets resolved and we remain unchanged? Would these last two years have been for nothing?

After all, I still feel the same empty longing that I have felt every.single.month. for the last two years. I still feel the same disappointment that I have felt every.single.month. for the last two years. I still vacillate between high hope and apathy. I still try to manage our infertility on my own. My prayers are still so stifled.

There was a point about one year into this journey that I viewed this trial as an opportunity. I had hoped that this would blow my prayer life wide open and suddenly my dependence upon the Lord would be all-consuming and I would spend hours and hours in the Word. And yet, here I am, two years later, still limping along two weeks by two weeks.

And so, God, in His unending grace, has given me more time rather than a baby.  He has given me more time to turn to Him, more time to learn to rely on Him. He has given me more time with just the two of us so He can finish His unfinished business in me.  What a good, good Father.