When God Says, "No"

But what if God says, "No"? I cried into his shirt. I couldn't hold back the sobs. It was like the realization had suddenly dawned on me and the floodgates that had been so strong for so long just broke. I had just finished scrolling through a litany of pastel-clad family photos on social media, and the ever-present ache was ever-present-er.  But this one surprised me. I get Christmas and I totally understand on Mother's Day, but Easter? That's a new one. This Easter did me in.

It's been two years, and I really feel the door closing. I feel like it may be time to accept God's answer that we may have been denying for quite awhile now. We've exhausted the foreseeable options. We've scheduled and tried and prayed and cried. I'm tired, I'm weary, and I'm done trying. And I just don't know where to go from here.

I read this the other day and want to post it here so I never forget it:

"God often has to pry my fingers off my desired outcome. Though I’ve felt devastated by his “no’s,” as I submit to his will—often with disappointment and tears—he assures me he’s working for my good. I see only part of the picture. He has a purpose in his denials.  The Father said “no” to the Son. And that “no” brought about the greatest good in all of history."

There is a very real chance that God is saying, "no" to biological children for us. The grief at that thought is inexplicably overwhelming. And I know that God will have to pry my fingers off this particular desired outcome. I don't want this road, I don't want this burden, I don't want this story. I'm trying to trust that He is working for my good and for His glory, but it's so very hard. I know I only see part of the picture, but I want to see a different part. I want to see the part where my husband is a father and our nursery is full and our house is noisy and my heart doesn't hurt like this.

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Yesterday, we found out that we won't have a baby in 2016. We will celebrate the holidays childless, again. We will both turn 29 childless. We will ring in 2017 with an empty nursery. Again.
God has said, "No," to a child this year, and today I'm feeling the weight of that.

March 29, 2016