Brave

It was sandwiched in between "Do you smoke?" and "When was your last cycle?" A question that was innocent enough, and yet, how could she have known the gravity behind my, "Yes,"? She asked it so quickly, so nonchalantly. It's a question she probably asks every patient, but I knew the version she asked me was slightly altered:

"Are you still trying to conceive?"

Still.

Yep. We sure are.

*****

There's a Starbucks exactly two blocks away from my doctor's office. I almost always stop there after my appointments. When I was younger, my mom would take me to McDonald's or Dairy Queen after a rough doctor appointment that required shots or uncomfortable tests. It was my reward for being brave.

And now I'm rewarded with a vanilla latte. If I reward myself for acting brave, perhaps one of these days, I'll actually be brave.

*****

They drew blood yesterday. And I have the bruising on my inner arm to prove it. Step one. The road looms long before us, and it is a scary, scary path to start down. But here we are. Two small, scarlet-filled vials. Deep breath.
Step one.